Stream of thoughts

While we gaze at sky and wonder, the truth, a false word, changes with every heartbeat. But everything passes as if nothing had changed. That’s how calm and quiet is the time that presses down Sisyphus’s shoulders on his demonic renewing task. But in a new way. A way in which the world damned him to get pleasure from his eternal duty. Fulfilled against all constraints brought by the cruel wind of remembering. This brings to front the idealistic image of the man, trapped in a state of mind close to soul’s immortality, which is also caught in the surrounding world’s prison. A world full of crap coming from the empty skull of a mindless beast. The noxious effect of freedom justifies the lack of native intuition.
All sums up to be absurd.
All is useless.
Indecision is the greatest curse (Descartes).

I’ve taken myself too much seriously. I’d better stop. They’re all thinking, nobody feels. I pointless stop them and ask to shut up. They scream because they screamed, because they lie. Starting yesterday I’ll start wanting. On the evolution scale they didn’t get too far. A splinter was in their way. The method is still the same and so are the people. What changed? Just me. A pedestrian through the swamp of vulgar humor. There’s no one that can help them and they don’t even want to be helped. The fear made them forget and nothing makes sense anymore. There was some good in fear too, it made them shut up. A voice echos in thousands more, ones scream is heard in all. So you can see, it would be better if you’d understand, I’ve taken myself too much seriously.

When you read these lines my mind will be long time set. The truth is I couldn’t have chosen otherwise. My fingers felt my veins. I couldn’t bare to see what fate chose for me. I had to stay wicked and strong. So you should understand why the helpless came your way.  Out of the swamp of emptiness my eyes seek reality. Walking the board, felt the pain’s one last caress, swallowed it whole and sent it down the drain.

Cover your eyes. Cover them of thoughts. Do you see what others couldn’t?

Everything was departed, my gods broken to pieces
At that time I came to you, I didn’t know who you are
I came as a blade of wind shattered into the night
I came suddenly, as you were there
I came as happiness does, when all the questions fall silent and just one answer enlightens
I came as the storm, as a drizzle and in sorrow you light up before my eyes
another dead-end street

The monotonous speech of the falling rain makes me think of myself. A spirit brought by a dry wind, lost in the multitude of wrinkles on a passers face. An opinion, nothing more. I try with every passing second to emerge from ignorance’s filth, but, as if I’m the only one here, an invisible hand pulls me back in. Some words passed by me, carried away through the mornings mist. Stopped from his happiness march, the desperate child sucks the bowels of a dying man. I think all the time of what I want. I can’t see myself but alive. Am I human if I don’t care about the others? … And why should I even care? We are all the same, I’m no exception. Separate the man from all his companions and he will realize he only loves himself. You can’t find the love for the others in here, just for himself. Why does man bear loneliness? Awakened in the middle of a midnight’s nightmare, I wonder why did I put a stop to it. Not the remote attempt of a new experience, but the circumstance in which you begin to ask yourself what’s the purpose of a characters listing, a spot on the sky of a black sun. These are the actual answers of all human race’s questions, which, in the first place, shouldn’t have even been stated. Questions are merely statements. But, as any other simple thing, I can’t believe it. I chose a new reference model and I rephrase the questions. One conclusion is valid, the man stands for himself.

Is there anyone listening to me? Just that, in the quietness of the phonic pollution of an industrial city. I’ve went into hiding, no one can see me. I wait for the time to pass longing for an answer. Alone, I fall asleep. I yell at the man standing next to me, calling him brother. Am I human, wanting to live through me? I have no more expectations in life, maybe only what I can provide for myself.

A grub on the walkway. It’s full of dust and has a long way to the shore. It doesn’t know which way to go … to the south … to the north … they’re all the same, but only one is right. Disappearing, the inappropriate rain caught it in the middle of the road.
It hasn’t got much time.
It knows that.
It doesn’t panic, but approves … gets closer … even closer … here … dies … died, lost in a concrete world, drowning in a solids.

The wind is so wise. It listens only to me.
Wind. Blow!
See?
I gaze at it  in wonder and I can’t control myself … a hand … a color … a pole … a lake … a tree … a finger … they’re all! All is in favor of changing my will. A truth, old as old can be, was tampered. 2 plus 2 make 4. Why is that? I’m not the one to blame.

The oblivion shadow falls on my ignorance. Than you will see. Only than you will now how it is to say YES.

A maggot can’t escape from the rotting carcass of an animal. Doesn’t know how it got there, why it exists or what to ask. There’s only one thing it can do: feed. It’s the most decided creature in the universe. It doesn’t rattle around the question with which organ it should start … an eye … a lung … a gut. As long as it’s alive it has all the time in the world. It’s the puppeteer that pulls the strings of dreams. He who will consume himself will learn how it is to be a maggot, will learn pain. The wet nature pulls together in the roar of a trapped beast. The pillaging crowd WANTS; the futility of want brings a feeling of power. I am strong. I can’t think of anything that could stop me, maybe the freedom would. I’m surprised I can tolerate this human race, fallen and overpopulated. The rain water collected in a rusty barrel … forgotten … filthy … shelters a fish. Where did it come from? … How huge is my world! … I’ve been waiting you for so long! … I could have died, do you remember the first rain? With all the noise of nocturnal crawlers I didn’t even know what it was. It came suddenly, as you were there. I didn’t want more but, still, I’m the same. An idea on a piece of white paper awakenes a thousand doubts in the alchemist, a cure found in the lovely creatures voice.

Have you ever wished something? Most probably yes and you do it everyday. Every human does so, almost without noticing it. I bet you don’t even know how to make a wish. I wish that my teacher let me copy at the next exam, that my wife give birth to a boy, that I’m offered a better payed job in a new interesting town, and so on. That’s bullshit, plain bullshit and you’re not fooling anybody, except yourself. It’s just your frustration that you didn’t live up to the things you wanted, and meeting your expectations is overrated. A wish should have at most five words: I wish I was happy, I wish a car, I wish a holiday. Must not be too specific, after all it’s just a wish. Although be very very careful that you want what you wished for, you just might get it. If you don’t really want what you wished, what’s the point in making one. It’s like being alive but not living your life, like reading a good book and afterward forget that you read it. Wishing is a not so skillful time-passing activity of a troubled human mind.

I wish you were mine but I’m not so sure I want you

The day passed in a blink of an eye. As hard as I try there’s nothing at all to recall, even a common event such as having a hot earl grey in the morning eludes my futile attempts of remembering. What the hell happened, was I dreaming again? I shouldn’t try to recall it, just be relieved that it’s finally over. Could have been a great one or a lousy one, it doesn’t matter anymore, because if I don’t remember, it means I was inconspicuous to the naked eye.

Wait …

As my cigarette’s smoke passes before my sleepy eyes, a faint memory of a voice comes to my mind.
Hello – the lovely creature uttered.
Don’t waste your breath
And I won’t waste my hate in you